Jokes and mind twisters in no particular order

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.

He thinks he is smarter than the cop because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense...

Cop says, "License, please." 

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming!"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop. License, please!"

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" 

Cops says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and you give me the fine, if not you let me go and no fine!"

 Cop says, "Get out of your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his night-stick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says:

 "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

******************************************************************************

Baptizing a Drunk

 

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

 

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

 

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

 

"Brother, have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 

The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time.

 

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

 

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---

but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

 

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in? “

******************************************************************************

Brain Teaser

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1.  An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2.  An old friend who once saved your life.

3.  The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or

You could take the old friend because he once
saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.  He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.

I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.  Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop sign, then drive off with the old friend for some beers."

******************************************************************************

California answering machine

The following is an answering machine message for the Pacific Palisades High School in California. The school and teachers were being sued by the parents who wanted their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the actual answering machine message for the school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

          To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child didn't do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year – Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/ responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!"

******************************************************************************

Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...

"Hebrews"

 

******************************************************************************

Computer Bible

(C) Yuri Nesterenko (http://yun.complife.ru), translation to English by Alexander Panasyuk.
 
1. In the beginning there was the Word, and Word had two Bytes and there was nothing else.
2. And God divided the ones from the zeros and saw that it was good.
3. And God said, Let there be data: and there were data.
4. And God said, Let data be gathered together into each own place and he created floppies, hard drives and CD-ROMs.
5. And God said, Let there be computers so there was a place to put hard drives, floppies and CD-ROMs. And God created computers and called them  "hardware" and divided "hardware" from "software".
6. But there were no software yet so Lord God corrected himself and created programs big and small and blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill all memory.
7. And God got tired from writing programs and said, Let us make programmer in our image, after our likeness: and let him to have dominion over computers and programs and data. So God created a programmer and put him into his Computing Facility to live and work there. And LORD God brought programmer to the Directory Tree and commanded him, saying, From every directory thou mayest run programs.
But from the WINDOWS directory thou shalt not run programs at all:  for MUST DIE.
8. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the programmer should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. And the LORD God took one of programmer's bones which had no brains and created a CUSTOMER; and brought him unto programmer: and  programmer called customer a USER. And they were both sitting under pure DOS, and
were not ashamed.
9. Now the Bill was more subtil than any beast of the field. And he said unto the user, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not run programs from every directory? And the user said, We may run programs from every directory, but of the WINDOWS directory, God hath said, Ye shall not run programs from it, for MUST DIE. And Bill said to
user, Let us argue a taste of oyster with those who ate them! In the day ye run WINDOWS, then ye shall be as gods, for with one click of mouse ye create whatever you want. And when the user saw that WINDOWS was pleasant to the eyes, and a program to be desired for it makes any knowledge unnecessary, and installed it on his computer; and said also unto programmer that it was cool; and programmer installed it too.
0A. And programmer went to look for new drivers, and he heard the voice of the LORD God, asking, Where art thou? And programmer said, Looking for new drivers, for there are no drivers under pure DOS. 
And the LORD God said, who told thee that thou needth drivers? Hast thou run programms from WINDOWS directory? And programmer said, The user whom thou gavest to be with me, he told me that from now on he wants programms only from WINDOWS directory; and I installed them. And the LORD God said unto the user,  What is this that thou hast done? And the user said, The Bill beguiled me, and I did run WINDOWS.
OB. And the LORD God said unto the Bill, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; and I will put enmity between thee and the programmer; for he will curse you and thou will sell WINDOWS to him.
OC. Unto the user he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and barren thy wallet; and thou will use buggy programs; and thou will not survive without the programmer, and he shall rule over thee.
0D. And unto programmer he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of the user,cursed are computers for thy sake; bugs and viruses will they bring to thou; in sorrow shalt thou fight them all the days of thy life; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou debug thy code.
0E. Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from his Computer Facility; and he set password on entry.
0F. General protection fault.

 

******************************************************************************

A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
                          by Mark Twain
 
        For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
        Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
        Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

 

******************************************************************************

A Party of Famous Physicists

One day, all of the world's famous physicists decided to get together for a tea luncheon. Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student, and able to observe some of the guests...

******************************************************************************

Who's on First, Physics Style

  The teaching experience:
 
       TA: What went on in this lab?
       Student: What do you mean?
       TA: What did you do in this lab?
       Student: Lab 3.
       TA: And what did you do in lab 3?
       Student: We measured the result.
       TA: Assume I've never seen this lab before, and you're
           going to explain it to me. What would you say?
       Student: (pause) Well, it was all about getting the slope.
       TA: The slope of what?
       Student: The slope of the plot.
       TA: I know that, but you have to assume I've never heard of
           this lab, ok? How would you explain what you did?
       Student: We got the wires and measured at each point.
       TA: Measured what?
       Student: What the meter said.
       TA: (pause) Look. Your report tells me nothing; this could be
           an experiment about baking cakes. What's this number here?
       Student: 5.
       TA: Yes I KNOW it's 5. What did it measure?
       Student: The slope. Of the line.
       TA: What line?
       Student: The line. On the plot. We measured the points and plotted them.
       TA: Why?
       Student: (knowing smile) Because that's what the lab said.
       TA: If I was a total stranger, how would you explain this to me?
       Student: You just connect it up--
       TA: Connect WHAT up?
       Student: The circuit.
       TA: Why?
       Student: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're asking.
       TA: I'm asking: what is this lab all about?
       Student: Well, we put in the wires and got 5.
       TA: 5 what?
       Student: The slope.
       TA: WHAT was it slope?
       Student: 5.
       TA: I KNOW that, but what was it a measurement of?
       Student: The meter.
       TA: (sigh) One more time -- consider me a total stranger. How
           would you explain this to me?
       Student: You just put on the wires and vary the dial until you
                get the readings.
       TA: What dial?
       Student: On the power supply.
       TA: Why was there a power supply?
       Student: Well, for the circuit.
       TA: And what readings are you talking about?
       Student: The readings in the plot.
       TA: They gave you a plot in the lab manual?
       Student: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're asking.
       TA: Where did the plot come from?
       Student: We drew it.
       TA: From what?
       Student: From the experiment.
       TA: The experiment about what?
       Student: About lab 3.
       TA: (expires)

 

******************************************************************************

New Element Found

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The new element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons and no electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice-neutrons, and 161 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together by a force that involves a constant exchange of a special class of particles called morons.

Since it does not have electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the administratium, the reaction ordinarily occurred in less than one second.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, after which it does not normally decay but instead undergoes a complex nuclear process called "reorganization." In this little understood process, assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons appear to exchange places. Early results indicate that the atomic mass actually increases after each "reorganization."

 

******************************************************************************

Owed to the Spell Checker

I have a spelling checker --
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
 
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
 
A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
 
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And we mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
 
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of none eye am a wear.
 
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to bee a joule
The checker poured o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
 
That's why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants to pleas,
Sow now ewe see why eye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas!

 

******************************************************************************

Software Releases

1.0:
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3:
Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1:
Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0:
More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1:
Just one or two bugs this time... Honest!

5.0:
We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0:
We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1:
Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

-eof-

 

******************************************************************************

from http://www.physics.uwo.ca/~harwood/humour.html  

***********Press Release**********

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named-BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable),each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

******************************************************************************

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly.

You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

 

First Question: You are participating in a race.

You overtake the second person.

What position are you in?

 

Answer: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!

If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

 

Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

 

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

 

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.

Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

 

Third Question: Very tricky math!

Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

 

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.

Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.

Now add another 1000. Now add 10.

What is the total? Scroll down for answer..

 

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Maybe you will get the last question right....

 

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

 

Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

******************************************************************************

Definitions

 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male........Playing football without a cup.

 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

 

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.

 

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

******************************************************************************

GOOD  BOY

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window “Uh, yes, officer?”

“What are you doing?”

“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir “

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers’ lane. And nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”

“I’m 25, sir.”

“And her ... what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

******************************************************************************

The Good Christian

There was a man who had  worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was  a real miser when came to his money. He loved money more than  just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his  wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my  money

and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna  take my money

to the afterlife."

So he got his  wife to promise him with all her heart that when he  died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in  the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her  closest  friend.

When they finished the ceremony, just  before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the  wife said "Wait just a minute." She had a shoe  box with  her, he came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it  away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy  enough to put all that money in the casket."  She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't  lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in  that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you  put every cent of his money in the casket  with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put  it into my account and I wrote him a check."

******************************************************************************

HANGING BASKETS

The teenage  granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets." Happy Gardening

******************************************************************************

A man prayed to God for a month; “Dear God, let me win the lotto.”

At the end of the month he heard a voice, “Give me a chance!”

“What chance, dear Lord?”

“Buy a ticket!”

 

******************************************************

 

Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

A: Of course, they're very scent-imental!

 

******************************************************

 

The shortest joke:

Two cabinet ministers met in a street-car.

 

******************************************************

 

Two friends talk.

-         My wife says that it is better to eat the vegetables raw.

-         Mine is lazy, too and does not want to cook.

 

******************************************************

 

Mother-in-law says to her son-in-law:

-         Did you see what one man did for me at the pool?

-         What?

-         I was sinking and he saved me.

-         Oh, I know him. He came to apologize to me.

 

******************************************************

 

The Bible teaches us: “Love thy neighbour.”

Kama Sutra teaches us exactly how to.

 

******************************************************

 

Group of friends got together. One of them looked sad. The others asked him what happened.

-         Oh, he says. My wife went to the doctor and was told she had AIDS… Hey, why did you all get so pale and upset?… I was joking!

 

******************************************************

 

Two policemen talking at the airport.

-         See how big those planes are. I wonder how they can hijack them.

-         You are so stupid! – the other one says. – When they take off, they become very small…

******************************************************

 

Love is an illness and as any other illness you is to be cured in bed.

 

******************************************************

Two artists talk:

-         Did you sell anything?

-         Yes, my car.

******************************************************

A little boy writes to Santa Claus: “Please, Santa, send me a sister.”

Santa answers: “No problem. Send me your mother.”

 

******************************************************

 

In the art gallery there was a picture of a naked woman whose body was covered here and there with leaves. A man stands in front of the picture for a long time. His friend asks why. The man answers: “I’ll wait for the fall to come.”

 

******************************************************

 

The judge: “You have to pay $50 for hitting your wife.”

The man: “May I pay $100 and hit her once more?”

 

******************************************************

 

Now here is a tongue twister for you::

 

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,

and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,

and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,

what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

 

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

 

******************************************************

 

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after

A semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using

everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does

not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the

existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and

finished in less than a minute.

 

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered

how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at

all. His answer consisted of two words:

 

"What chair?"

 

******************************************************

 

What Religion Is Your Bra?

 

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up

to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my

wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

“Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

“Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every

shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of

this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the

Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,

and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

 

******************************************************

 

Apples and Cookies

 

Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the church ladies had

placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl,

she placed a note which read, "Take only one; remember, God is

watching."

At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked

Chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven. Beside the bowl was a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."

 

******************************************************

 

*** Somewhere in London

 

An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy

walked by and stood beside the American.

 

"You know, boy," said the American, "in the States we have that kind of

building too, but they are four times higher."

 

"Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital."

 

******************************************************

 

*** Walking

 

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class

was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe

properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary

assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking

is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take

the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group

raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.

 

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

******************************************************************************

Breaking news! The "Evidence" found at last!

 

CNN/Reuters: News reports have filtered out early this morning that US

forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained teacher

Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was

in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

 

US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming

evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.

 

******************************************************************************

After They Land

 

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final

approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain.

We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying

with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

 

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

 

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and

take a big crap...then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner...then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night ."

 

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and

down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile

the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.

 

She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

 

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

 

******************************************************************************

The Confession

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

“Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house and houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

“No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

 

******************************************************************************

CHURCH JOKES

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

******************************************************************************

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

 

******************************************************************************

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we

give him the money now, will he let us go?"

 

******************************************************************************Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

******************************************************************************An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

 

******************************************************************************A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

 

******************************************************************************A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 

******************************************************************************A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

 

******************************************************************************A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"   Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

******************************************************************************

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

******************************************************************************

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

 

******************************************************************************

 

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair.. While tying

the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

 

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

******************************************************************************

Kids say the strangest things, don't they?

 

 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

 

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

Alan, age 10

 

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

Kirsten, age 10

 

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

 

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Camille, age 10

 

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

 

 

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

 

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Derrick, age 8

 

 

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

 

Both don't want any more kids.

Lori, age 8

 

 

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)

 

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Martin, age 10

 

 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

 

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

Craig, age 9

 

 

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEBODY

When they're rich.

Pam, age 7

 

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

Curt, age 7

 

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

Howard, age 8

 

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

 

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.

Theodore, age 8

 

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)

 

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

 

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

Kelvin, age 8

 

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

 

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

 

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

Ricky, age 10

 

******************************************************************************

Life Quotes

1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

5. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

6. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

7. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

8. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

9. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

11. Some days are a total waste of makeup.

12. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

14. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

15. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

16. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

17. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

19. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

 

******************************************************************************

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2005 WHEN ...

 

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have an e-mail address.

 

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

 

Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

 

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

 

Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

 

You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

 

Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

 

Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

 

You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

 

You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

 

Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

 

Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.

 

You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

 

You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 

 

You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

 

You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

 

You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

 

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You're reading this.

Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

******************************************************************************

MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

 

Lesson 1

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit

saw the eagle & asked him, "Can I also sit like you & do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground

below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the

rabbit and ate it.

 

 

Management Lesson:

 

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high

up.

 

********

 

Lesson 2

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to

the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the

energy."

 

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung,

found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch

of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the

second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at

the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the

turkey out of the tree.

 

 

Management Lesson:

 

B/S might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

**********

 

Lesson 3

 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze

and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying

there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay

there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung

was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon

began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to

investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile

of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

 

Management Lesson

 

1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! :)

 

 

This ends your management course.

 

******************************************************************************

Management Techniques

 

Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male  buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

 The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

 The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

 The next morning the Indian returns.

 He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other.

 He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

 The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

******************************************************************************

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

 

Old Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Old Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls

for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My officer claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Woman: And I suppose the lying bastard said I was speeding, too!

*****************************************************************************

A man is driving down a road.

A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.  As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells,  "PIG!"

 

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!"  They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve,

he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen.

*****************************************************************************

     Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

     The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven, whereupon Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever

created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."

      The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits it into the toilet, and

pulls the lever.

     The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down. She simply gargles and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"

     "Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair, no matter how big they are."

*****************************************************************************

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
 Smart man + smart woman = romance
 Smart man + dumb woman = affair
 Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
 Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
 
 OFFICE ARITHMETIC
 
 Smart boss + smart employee = profit
 Smart boss + dumb employee = production
 Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
 Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
 
 SHOPPING MATH
 
 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
 
 GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
 
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
 HAPPINESS
 
 To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a   little.

 

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try  to understand her at all.
 
 LONGEVITY
 
 Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot  more willing to die.
  
 PROPENSITY TO CHANGE>
 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
 
 DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
 
 A woman has the last word in any argument.
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
 HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
 
 Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
 doing the same thing to them at funerals.

************************************************************************

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bar and orders a double.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese; and there are 5 people in my family, so one of us must be Chinese. It could be my Mom or my dad. Maybe it's my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho Cha Chu. I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat sitting on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

I went to a seafood disco rave last week ... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

*******************************************************************

Some Things to Think About

 

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

 

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

Terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

*******************************************************************

Women will be women

 

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

 

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

 

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

 

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

 

God replied,   "I didn't recognize you."

*******************************************************************